Friday, May 23, 2014



hi all..i just would like to share the reason why do i keep my blog in silent mode all this it is exactly 4 months since my grandfather (tokki) left us on 30/1/2014.

and yes im one of the person who actually knew what happened at least from A to Y (since there were few things i did not know,so i leave behind the alphabet Z)...

on the day itself,as usual i stepped out from house to go to work around 6.45AM..tok and tokki went out earlier to buy breakfast for themselves and for my family since they are coming back during chinese new year holidays (very typical malaysian,spending holidays by going back to their hometown)

i went for rounds at 7.45AM and sudddenly i received call from an emergency,a houseman from casualty called to inform that tokki was involved in heart almost stops beating,thinking what has happened/who hit him/what is the current condition and so on...directly i informed my senior to take leave for a while.definitely a serious matter.

one thing for sure,im worried about my grandmother (tok) since she have heart problems...i rushed towards emergency hoping that everything is under control..i met with tok at the entrance,seeing her shaking waiting for me since she did not bring any identification card.i assured tok that everything will be fine.lucky me that tok actually remember tok chik's house number (tok's sister) and few relatives already came to ED (emergency department) including tok mami (her another sister)

i went inside and met with the doctor who attends him that time,giving all the required history including medications he takes and past medical illness.i accompanied tokki during x ray and asked him if he is okay or not,tokki even told me dont tell anyone about the accident when i have already informed everyone through whats app.since i have few relatives in medical field,so definitely i have to update every single thing.

at first,everything was fine.the only thing is tokki had fracture both his legs,no active bleeding but he had right ear bleed,otoscopy done but could not see anything.starting from that the MO (medical officer) starts query that tokki looks pale and when the blood results came,his Hb (haemoglobin) drops from 12 to the team wants to proceed with CT scan since fast scan done,no free fluid seen.during that period the condition starts detoriate...his blood pressure starts to crush down to 94/60...60/40,sp02 too starts dropping to that moment i gave them to decide whats best for tokki since i busy contacting with relatives asking for permission if they allow to intubate (putting a tube inside the mouth to secure airway) ...*tokki already said that if something happened to him,he does not want to put any tube,inject him with anything,putting IV line because he said it is painful to face death with the condition,he told me 3 days before the incident*

when i came inside,tokki already brought to red zone from yellow zone means critical.the MO already told me earlier that actually tokki will survive for at least 24hrs.the rest might be quite shock with the statement.i cried thinking that i dont actually knows what to do..i called my mum and dad to come to hospital...when they came,a doctor explained to us that tokki had an episode of asystole (no pulse beat) ,so they were actually did CPR (chest compression),almost completed 1 cycle and mum told to stop as tokki told before-no chest compression for him.

tokki left us around 11.55 AM at red zone ED of hospital sultanah nur zahirah.all i can say,it was very FAST.not even 1 bag of blood able to finish and tokki already left us.the saddest person of course tok.lucky that she did not see how the accident happened (tokki was trying to cross the roads when a motorcycle suddenly hit him ) 
i did recite 'kalimah syahadah' to tokki when he is already pulseless.i was not with him when he about to die since i was being outside informing family members.that was actually the disappointing part.
i realised that even you are a doctor,when something bad happened to your family members,you will not know what should be done to save life.its definitely out of our thats why there were regulations that a doctor can't attend their family members.give to other doctors to treat.

after contacting the person in charge to manage the body (mandi/kafan),we came back to house preparing for 'kenduri tahlil' at night...and waiting for aunties and uncle,cousins to come back.i ate sardin before settling other parts..informed tok mami to bury tokki at masjid putih (he already told me earlier,as if he knews that he will go anytime soon)..

that time,i told mum:

"im so sorry that i could not take care your father, i dont attend him properly at ED"

mum replied:

"its okay,at least you got the opportunity to take care of tokki for at least 6 months and im proud of you"

and we cried together in silence while having lunch with roti sardin..

at 2 PM,again we went to police station and made police report since the doctors cant issue bury permit since cause of death is not we had to make report first,stating that we wont asked the police officer to dig in the grave within 15 days of burial.

done with the report,rushed again to forensic department since they kept the body there.around 4.15 PM the body is ready for burial.the body was brought directly from hospital to masjid 5 PM,after asr prayer,burial done. (tokki specifically told me and tok to do burial immediately,not to wait for the children/grandchildren to come back)

i was given the pledge to shower the grave with 'air bunga' since im the one staying with tok and tokki for the past 6 months (along with other male cousin who stays together )

and im still here missing my HERO..

thank you tokki for keep reminding me the importance of solah

thank you tokki for waiting me coming back from work at night

thank you tokki for letting me staying with you for 6 months

thank you tokki for being a great grandfather to us

i will remember one last advised from tokki:

"cari pasangan yang beriman"
(find a good husband)

im so sorry for not able to take care of you,not being with you when you actually about to leave us that day

and im here taking care of tok as much as i could so that she wont be sad even though i know her memories with you wont be erased

so there goes,the reason why do i really want to work in terengganu,staying far away from my parents since i knew how does it feels staying alone.

when i miss my tokki,i will spend time recite Al fatihah or recite Yassin for him.sometimes i went alone to masjid putih (without tok knowing about it,hehe) visiting him.

*for me,that week was quite che mi (tok's cousin) left us 4 days prior to tokki.and 2 days after tokki leave this world,my patient of 50 years old getting pregnant at that age,just delivered a baby boy through emergency caesarian section,died within 24 days of her confinement.yes,too hard for me to handle.i keep saying to myself,im a strong girl,i cant cry in front of people,this is just a small test for me.

the incident remind me on how our Prophet Muhammad facing the same thing when he lost both of the person he loves (his wife,Siti Khadijah) and his uncle in the same year.

tokki, i can promise you that i will take good care of tok and you will always in my prayer.
in sha Allah ,we will meet in the hereafter.amin.


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